


The Gang Copes With Change: Part 1

by ChloShow



Series: Finale [1]
Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Character Death, Gen, M/M, Verbal Abuse, gendered slurs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-21
Updated: 2015-06-28
Packaged: 2018-04-05 10:10:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 4,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4175895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChloShow/pseuds/ChloShow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After being forced to spend an ungodly amount of time with Mac, Charlie cracks, revealing that the same situation had originally led to kicking Schmitty out of the Gang to even out the dynamic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

[10:30am]

[On a Thursday]

[Philadelphia, Pennsylvania]

[ **DENNIS** sits at the bar, flipping through a couple housing/furniture magazines.]

**DENNIS**

You know what, I think we’d get a better crowd in here if we changed our image.

**MAC**

Not this again.

**CHARLIE**

What’s wrong with our image?

**DENNIS**

For one, we could make it look like you’re not about to get stabbed in here.

**CHARLIE**

Hey, that’s the excitement of Paddy’s!  You just never know what’s gonna happen here, and our audience likes it that way.

**DEE**

Our audience is three homeless men.

**MAC**

And we’re the only place they can go where they fit in.  They’d be thrown out of any other joint.

**DENNIS**

Uh-uh, I want a full remodel.  No more taped up booths or those goddamn green and yellow streamers hanging from the ceiling.

**DEE**

Yes, I’m all for this actually.  Chrome light fixtures, new upholstery, redo the floors…

**DENNIS**

[He flips through a magazine.] Yeah, you know what, I just passed this really great—

**MAC**

Me and Charlie aren’t gonna let you guys do this!  Paddy’s is our legacy!  We’re not gonna just blend into the wash of other bars out there. We’ve got character!    Plus, Frank would never write off on these unnecessary expenses!  Once he shows up, he'll side with us, and you guys will be outnumbered!

**CHARLIE**

[ **CHARLIE** switches positions from his place by **MAC** to where **DENNIS** and **DEE** are reviewing magazines.] Whoa, whoa, hang on a second, Mac, I think I’m starting to get into Dennis and Dee’s plan.

**DEE**

Really?

**CHARLIE**

Yeah, we could use some change, something classier, ya know, maybe a marble counter top, a checkerboard floor, everything written in italic…

**DENNIS**

Uh, not gonna happen.

**CHARLIE**

…Anyways, change is good, Mac. 

**DEE**

Normally I’d be suspicious, but Charlie’s vote already puts us in the majority on this decision. 

**DENNIS**

I see what you’re saying, Dee, but I just don’t like this three against one dynamic. It’s not natural. Half the fun in these plans is convincing someone to do something they don’t want to do.

**CHARLIE**

Well, you convinced me, you guys are very convincing people.

**DENNIS**

I think what’s really going on here is that Charlie doesn’t actually want to remodel the bar; he just doesn’t want to be paired up with Mac again.

**DEE**

Ahhhhh.

**MAC**

Holy shit, Charlie is this true?

**CHARLIE**

We’ve been paired up for the last five schemes now, and frankly I’m getting sick of it. I mean, I can’t stand all the body mass talk.

**DENNIS**

Completely understandable.

**CHARLIE**

And all the long-winded speeches, and the comments that I just ignore because I can’t confront you with _anything! I’m not wORKING WITH YOU AGAIN, GOD-FUCKING-DAMMIT!_ [He’s nearly incomprehensible.] _I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE._

[There’s a collective silence while **CHARLIE** regains his composure.]

[The Gang Copes With Change]

[opening theme]


	2. Chapter 2

**MAC**

I don’t get it, Charlie, we’ve been friends for the majority of our lives. How could you be tired of me?

**CHARLIE**

[He starts speaking to everyone and no one.]  It’s just a little too much after a while, ya know.  Usually you and Dennis would’ve teamed up by now, but _no_ , this is _eXACTLY_ what happened with Schmitty.

**DENNIS**

I think you’re mistaken.  Me, Frank, and Mac pushed Schmitty out of my car last year.

**MAC**

No, it was 2 years ago.  When Dee was pregnant.

**DEE**

I was pregnant _five_ years ago.

**CHARLIE**

No, the first time, when I had to live with the guy, and Dennis was so up his ASS that the whole friendship proportion got mixed up and I had to spend like _so_ much time with Mac, it was unbelievable.

**MAC**

Oh, yeah, I _do_ remember Dennis really being up Schmitty’s ass, but then Charlie said he overheard you guys talking about kicking me out of the Gang.

**DENNIS**

Schmitty never mentioned kicking you out of the Gang, Mac.  In fact, Charlie told me Schmitty was jerking me around and wanted _me_ out.

**DEE**

You guys, why does any of this matter? If this is gonna end up with a visit to Schmitty Whatever’s house, then count me out.  That guy is way too nice; he gets on my nerves.

**DENNIS**

You know the one common thread these stories have in them?

**MAC**

Yeah, that Schmitty is a _dick_.

**DENNIS**

No, look closer. _Charlie_ was the one to tell us of Schmitty’s betrayal and immediately usher that ultimatum.

**MAC**

[at **CHARLIE** ] You’ve sown dastardly seeds of dissent among us all!

**CHARLIE**

Hey, hey, hey now, Dee was the one that told _me_ it was only a matter of time before you guys got sick of me and realized I was the most useless member of the Gang.  And that if I got Schmitty out, Dennis would have to fall back onto Mac and that would restore the balance of power.

**DENNIS**

So it’s all Dee’s fault!  Oh, you bitch, of course you had to nose your way in like you always do.

**DEE**

Alright, fine! I wanted in the Gang.

[ **DENNIS** , **MAC,** and **CHARLIE** groan.]

**DEE**

I was getting zero percent of the power balance thanks to that bozo.

**CHARLIE**

I can’t believe you lied to me, Dee.

**MAC**

I can’t believe my friendships have been grounded in Dee’s manipulation!

[ **MAC** marches towards the door.]

**CHARLIE**

Dude, where are you going?

**MAC**

To find some real friends!

[Exit **MAC**.]

**DENNIS**

Yeah, I’m outta here, too. 

**DEE**

What? Where?

**DENNIS**

Peter Schmidt’s house. You two could’ve deprived me of the most fulfilling friendship of my life, and I hope it’s not too late to salvage it.

**CHARLIE**

You’re not missing out on much.

**DENNIS**

Oh, _thIS COMING FROM THE SABOTEUR HIMSELF._

[Exit **DENNIS**.]

**CHARLIE**

Well, at least I’ve still got you, Dee.

**DEE**

Ah, I’m actually gonna jet.  Yeahhh, all this has made me realize wanting in on the Gang was a mistake in the first place.

**CHARLIE**

No! Are you kidding me?

**DEE**

Later, boner.

[Exit **DEE**.]

[ **CHARLIE** stands alone in the bar for a beat.]


	3. Chapter 3

[ **REX** is shirtless, standing backstage at what seems to be a bodybuilding competition.]

**REX**

[speaking to someone out of sight] So Charlie tricked you so that you two didn’t have to spend so much time together…and that’s why you’re mad?

**MAC**

[He rises into frame after apparently oiling up **REX** ’s legs and begins to oil **REX** ’s torso.]  Yeah! Or at least I think so, there was a lot to follow and I’m pretty sure I got lost somewhere along the way…But what matters is that none of my friends appreciate my zest for life or understand how much stress I take on trying to protect them at all times.

**REX**

Not all your friends.

**MAC**

What’s that?

**REX**

Well, you said none of your friends appreciate you.  I consider us friends, and I totally appreciate you, dude.

**MAC**

[Awestruck] Really?  We’re friends now?  Holy shit!

**REX**

Totally. And hey, why don’t you come and hang with me and the guys some time?  I think they’d really enjoy it, throwing you into the mix.

**MAC**

Yeah, yeah, sure, yeah, thanks Rex. Yeah.

**REX**

Oh, hey, make sure you really lather up my back good.  Gotta make the shoulders _pop_ for the judges.

\--

[Cut to **DENNIS** and **SCHMITTY** walking down the sidewalk.]

**DENNIS**

Thank you so much for taking me back, honestly Schmitty, I was such a jackass last time. I’ll make it up to you, I swear.

**SCHMITTY**

[Light laughter] Hey, chill dude, it’s not like we’re "getting back together" or anything.

**DENNIS**

I just want you to know that Mac and Charlie unfairly wedged our friendship apart, and I feel that if it weren’t for them, we could’ve been as close as brothers.

**SCHMITTY**

Okay, man, I get it. No need to keep saying it.

[ **DENNIS** places his hand meaningfully on **SCHMITTY** ’s back for a moment before they both spend a couple seconds contemplating the silence.]

**SCHMITTY**

Is it just me, or are we just walking around aimlessly?

**DENNIS**

Oh, uh, ya know, I honestly thought you were going to think up of something spontaneously, and we’d have this great cohesive…bonding moment…you know what, let’s go get drunk and see what trouble we can get into whaddya say?

**SCHMITTY**

Dude, we’re like almost 40.

**DENNIS**

Yeah, and so are those guys in the Hangover movies.

**SCHMITTY**

[Considers this] Ahhh, to hell with it. Life is short, right? [He makes the annoying whip sound.]

[Dennis cringes, but they both laugh.]

**SCHMITTY**

Alright, but it’s like 2pm, where are we gonna get drunk in the middle of the day…

[ **DENNIS** has an idea.]


	4. Chapter 4

[Cut to **DEE** banging on the **WAITRESS’** apartment door.]

**DEE**

[She’s shouting.] Hey, hey, you, yeah, I know you’re in there, Waitress, I know your work schedule and I know you don’t have any friends, so you must be home. And guess what, I’m not gonna leave until you come out, and by then all your neighbors are gonna hate you if they don’t hate your fat ass already, hey, Waitress—

[ **WAITRESS** opens her door.]

**DEE**

[Suddenly cordial] Hey, girlfriend!

**WAITRESS**

What do you want?  And Charlie better not be with you…

**DEE**

Oh, no, I ditched those lameos, I’m just here to hang with my best girlfriend.

**WAITRESS**

Well, you’re really disturbing me.  I’m busy.

**DEE**

Oh, _you’re busy_.  No, you’re not.

**WAITRESS**

How do you know I don’t have a guy in here?

**DEE**

Charlie would know by now, and who are you fooling?  Just let me in, we both know how undesirable you are. 

**WAITRESS**

Just as long as Charlie’s not out there.

**DEE**

He’s not! I’d know if he followed me.

[Enter **CHARLIE** ]

**CHARLIE**

Heyooo!

[ **WAITRESS** screams/jumps.]

**CHARLIE**

How’s my second best friend doing?

**WAITRESS**

Oh no, I’m not doing this.  Dee, Charlie, get out, no, get out.

**DEE**

Hey, I can solve your Charlie problem easy, just watch.  [to **CHARLIE** ] You listen to me Charlie Kelly, if you don’t leave immediately, I’ll tell Dennis you tried to sleep with me, and I swear to god you’ve never seen the damage Dennis can really do to a human body, do you hear me?

**CHARLIE**

[trying to shrug off the threat] Uh, ha ha, yeah, it’s just…Dennis won’t really _care_ that we almost banged because he ditched you, and —

**DEE**

Oh, he won’t care?  Do you really want to find out if that’s true?

**CHARLIE**

...Well, bye, have a great lady day, you two, oh, and just by the way, have you seen Frank, 'cause he's not picking up and...

**DEE**

GET OUT OF HERE, CHARLIE!

 **[CHARLIE** shrieks an "okay" and runs away.]

**DEE**

[smug] What’d I tell ya. I’m like your own personal Charlie guard.

**WAITRESS**

Alright, you can come in.

[ **DEE** and **WAITRESS** enter the apartment, and the scene ends.]


	5. Chapter 5

[ **DENNIS** places a schedule on the inside of Paddy’s front door. **SCHMITTY** stands next to him.]

**DENNIS**

[despicable chuckling] Now this will fully outline the new Paddy’s Pub schedule restrictions, so that we can drink without any of those losers bothering us.

**SCHMITTY**

Why do you have to do this, man, don’t you all own the bar?

**DENNIS**

Technically, only me, Frank, and Mac own it.  But now that we’ve gone our separate ways, this will be a professional establishment with _rules_ and _regulations_.  I own a certain percentage of the bar, so that’s how much of the week I get to hang out in here without the other guys hassling me.

**SCHMITTY**

You mean you’re gonna run this thing alone?

**DENNIS**

No, no man. Charlie and Dee still have to work here, they just can’t hang out seeing as they don’t own a share of the bar.  Frank can be here all he wants as I have no beef with him, but I haven’t seen the fat bastard all day.

**SCHMITTY**

I liked Frank; he was a funny guy.  So short, so bald.  I bet you kiss his head everyday, every chance you get. 

**DENNIS**

There is no way I put my clean lips upon that man’s filthy scalp. Anyway, let’s do some shots! Get some blood flowing, brainstorm some ideas and schemes.

**SCHMITTY**

Alright! That’s what I like to hear.

[ **DENNIS** stands behind the bar pouring a shot for him and one for **SCHMITTY**.  **DENNIS** takes his and adds in a little ‘woohoo’ for good measure. **SCHMITTY** speaks before taking his.]

**SCHMITTY**

Hey, you remember when we convinced Charlie that those little lint balls on clothes were actually animals?  And then he started collecting them in his apartment?  Oh jeez, I wonder if he still believes they’re alive. [He takes his first shot.]

**DENNIS**

Maybe we could not talk about Charlie right now; I’m still sore—

**SCHMITTY**

—About the whole thing, yeah, right, I’m sorry dude. [There’s a pause for a second round of shots.] So I heard you got married to Maureen Ponderosa.  I remember her, and her brother…Bill?  Man, he was wild.

**DENNIS**

Ah, we’re divorced.

**SCHMITTY**

Oh, sorry man, I didn’t mean—I’m don’t think I have any more feet to jam into my mouth today.

**DENNIS**

No, don’t worry, I’m glad we’re divorced, except for the alimony payments.  She was weird.

**SCHMITTY**

She was really weird; I wasn’t gonna say anything, but yeah!!

**DENNIS**

How about you?

**SCHMITTY**

Me?

**DENNIS**

You ever get tied down to anyone?

**SCHMITTY**

Oh, no, after I had to start taking care of my mom, there wasn’t really opportunity for that, but now with her gone, I’m not gonna say that I’m relieved, but now I can get back to living the bachelor’s life!

**DENNIS**

That’s the spirit!  Hey, you ever think about getting a roommate?

**SCHMITTY**

What, like who?

**DENNIS**

I don’t want to seem presumptuous, but I thought of recommending myself.

**SCHMITTY**

I thought you were hitched with Mac?

**DENNIS**

Mac and I are currently living at Dee’s place.  Unfortunately, our apartment burned down…twice, both freak accidents coincidentally.

**SCHMITTY**

You don’t think Mac would be put out what with you bailing on him?

**DENNIS**

I have no obligation to see to Mac’s living situation, and I honestly don’t see our friendship lasting much longer.  It was a good run, but the whole closeted gay Catholic thing really wears on you after a while.

**SCHMITTY**

_Ohhh_ , yeah I could see how that would get annoying…well, there’s always room at my place if you get tired of shacking up with your sister!

**DENNIS**

We’re not shacking up, but yeah, that’s a great offer, Schmitty, I’d love to take you up on that.

**SCHMITTY**

Great! So when are you free to move in?

**DENNIS**

My schedule is completely free.

**SCHMITTY**

How about now! It’s not like we’re in the middle of doing anything; come on!  Let’s go get your stuff.

**DENNIS**

[Enthusiastically] Really? Wow, just like that.  Wow, you're a real wild guy, Schmitty.

[ **DENNIS** looks sort of relieved for once; **BOTH** turn to exit.  End scene.]


	6. Chapter 6

[ **REX** ’s apartment is furnished with some taste. **MAC** , **REX** ,and **REX** ’s three buff friends sit at different places around the living room watching TV.]

**FRIENDS #1**

[winces] Ohhh, that was a close shot.

**REX**

We better score this half. I’ve got 20 bucks riding on this game.

**FRIEND #2**

Rapinoe’s shot like three times today.  The next one _has_ to make it in.

**MAC**

[bewildered] You guys do realize we’re watching _women’s soccer_ right?

**REX**

Yeah? I thought you said you liked sports.

**MAC**

I do, just, _women’s soccer_? Who watches this when there's, ya know, basketball, football, hockey, baseball…

**FRIEND #2**

Oh, don’t get us wrong, Mac, I love all of those; there’s just something about these competitive, international babes going at each other’s throats, man.

**FRIEND #1**

I just love the sport.

**MAC**

How can you admit that?  That’s almost, like, un-American to like soccer, especially _women’s_ soccer.

**REX**

Mac, it’s growing in popularity.  Just watch. The Men and Women's FIFA World Cups will be as big as the Superbowl in no time.

**MAC**

This is _nothing_ like the Superbowl.  There’s not even a half-time show.

**FRIEND #3**

Oh, no that’s saved for the finals.

**REX**

See, Mac, it’s like an Olympic Superbowl but with only one sport.

**MAC**

Is this really what you guys do when you’re not working out?

**FRIEND #2**

Yeah, pretty much.

**FRIEND #1**

I’m an amateur astronomer.

**FRIEND #3**

I’m in my final year of culinary school, actually.

**REX**

We’re all just normal guys.  Normal, insanely attractive guys.

**FRIEND #2**

It’s actually sort of nice to have someone around who’s not so muscle-heady you know.

**FRIEND #1**

You’re like our skinny guy.

**MAC**

I’m not skinny! I work out!

**FRIEND #3**

I could totally bench press you, bro.

**MAC**

I’d like to see you try!

**FRIEND #3**

You’re on!

**REX**

Oh, me next, I’ve only ever done this with chicks, but they’re all so small. 

[ **MAC** is delighted.]

**FRIEND #1**

Just after the game though.

**REX**

Of course.

[ **MAC** is less delighted.]

[End scene.]


	7. Chapter 7

**CHARLIE**

[He’s on the phone, and **FRANK** ’s outgoing message plays.  **CHARLIE** dials again.]

Goddammit, Frank, where are you?

[A phone rings around an alley corner, and **CHARLIE** runs over.]

**CHARLIE**

Frank! Frank, buddy!

[ **CRICKET** is gnawing on pizza crust from an old pizza box, reclining against the wall.]

**CRICKET**

Hey Charlie.

**CHARLIE**

What are you doing with Frank’s cellphone?

**CRICKET**

What do you think?  I stole it.

**CHARLIE**

What did you do to him?  Did you kill him and steal his phone!

**CRICKET**

Frank? Oh, no, I didn’t mean steal as in ‘pickpocket.’  Force of habit. I just found it on the ground outside Paddy’s.

**CHARLIE**

Show me where you found it.

**CRICKET**

Why should I show you anything without a little compensation?

**CHARLIE**

You already have Frank’s phone; I think that’s enough.

**CRICKET**

No dice. I need mullah, _dinero_.

**CHARLIE**

I can buy you dinner if that’s what you want.

**CRICKET**

Money, I need cash, Charlie.

**CHARLIE**

Fine, I’ll pickpocket Frank when we find him, and I’ll give you the money.

**CRICKET**

How much we talking here?

**CHARLIE**

Oh, Frank has in between five and fifteen hundred dollars in his wallet at all times, so you’ll be fine.  Just show me where you found the phone!

**CRICKET**

Alright, jeez, let a guy finish his pizza bones.

[Cut to Paddy’s alleyway.]

**CRICKET**

I found it right here just lying there.  Why isn’t anyone else helping you look for Frank?

**CHARLIE**

 Oh, I don’t have friends anymore. So let’s cover this back alley and then move inside if necessary.

**CRICKET**

There’s like no place to hide except that dumpster, and whaddya mean, no more friends? I can believe it; I just wanna know why.

**CHARLIE**

I’m not telling you so you can spread it through your juicy homeless gossip circles. If I tell you, it will reach everyone in town!

[ **CHARLIE** approaches the dumpster and lifts the lid, finding **FRANK**.]

**CRICKET**

Well, mystery solved.  Frank’s dead.

**CHARLIE**

How do you know he’s dead? He could be taking a nap in the trash.  Hey Frank!

**CRICKET**

Look. His eyes are open. He’s stiff, and it looks like he died in the middle of finishing a hoagie.  Not to mention he’s naked.

**CHARLIE**

Frank gets naked all the time.  But he looks pretty dead.  I wonder why he just left his phone lying there.

**CRICKET**

Maybe it’s like how elephants go off by themselves to be alone when they die. He purged himself of his earthly connections and crawled into this dumpster to wait for Death’s embrace.

**CHARLIE**

You know what? I thought I’d be more upset by this, but this is what Frank would’ve wanted.

**CRICKET**

Alright, where’s the wallet?

**CHARLIE**

What wallet?

**CRICKET**

You said you’d pay me.

**CHARLIE**

What about a free sandwich? [He pries the half-eaten sandwich out of **FRANK** ’s cold, dead hands.]

**CRICKET**

You’re asking me to choose between $1500 and a half eaten sandwich.  You gotta be kidding.  Let’s find the wallet, Charlie.

**CHARLIE**

Okay, I’ll take the sandwich then. [He closes the dumpster lid.]

**CRICKET**

Aren’t you gonna say a few words?

**CHARLIE**

Nah, I’ll come back later.  The trash guys don’t come today, so I still have some time.  I want the service to be real special; I gotta think of something.

**CRICKET**

Bury him?

**CHARLIE**

Nah, too much digging.

**CRICKET**

What about a pyre?

**CHARLIE**

You mean a fire?

**CRICKET**

Basically, yeah.

**CHARLIE**

I like your brain Cricks, my boy. [laughin and eating the sandwich]

**CRICKET**

Hey, can I get a bite of that?

**CHARLIE**

It’s the sandwich or the money, Cricket.  Why does everything have to be so complicated with you? 

[End scene]


	8. Chapter 8

[ **WAITRESS** is watching TV.]

**DEE**

[She walks to the kitchen, opening the fridge.] This is a little embarrassing, but you’re outta beer. All you seem to have in here is some V8 juice and an old cake.  There’s a gas station close, right?  Shouldn’t be too much trouble for you to run out and get us a six-pack or two. Make it two.

**WAITRESS**

[Rises from the couch.] I’m an alcoholic, Dee, so no, I’m not going on a beer run for you.   And since when did you have sex with Charlie?

**DEE**

The keyword there was “almost.” _Almost_ had sex.  And let’s at least go out, find a place to get tipsy, cause mama’s jonesing real bad.

**WAITRESS**

I’m not going drinking with you.  I was actually going to get my nails done before you showed up.

**DEE**

That’s fine with me.  We’ll grab some fifty-twos and get our nails did.  Perfect.

[ **WAITRESS** glares at her.]

[Cut to **DEE** carrying a plastic bag full of beer and slurping out of a can, walking with **WAITRESS** to the nail salon.]

**WAITRESS**

How did you even ever consider having sex with Charlie in the first place?

**DEE**

Listen, I didn’t want to hang out with you to hear you squawk all day. 

**WAITRESS**

Why did you want to hang out with me today?  You never talk to me unless you want something.

**DEE**

How manipulative do you think I am? [laughing]  I value our friendship, Waitress.  I just got into a little thing with the guys today where none of us are friends anymore, but don’t worry because shit like this never lasts very long.

**WAITRESS**

So after all those years of giving me crap about not having friends, now _you_ don’t have any friends?

**DEE**

Pfffft, I have…other…friends, yes of course.

**WAITRESS**

Name one.

**DEE**

[Protesting noises.]  Artemis, silly. I bet you feel stupid now.

**WAITRESS**

Just one? Is that all?

**DEE**

No!

**WAITRESS**

No?

**DEE**

I have you, don’t I?  Okay, we’re here. [They arrive at the nail salon.]

**WAITRESS**

They don’t allow you to drink in there.

**DEE**

No problem. Just give me a second here. [She chugs the entire can.] Ahhhh, alright!  You see that?  Bet you can’t chug like that.

**WAITRESS**

[She wrinkles her nose as **DEE** burps.] On second thought, I understand why you’d have sex with Charlie.

**DEE**

_Almost_.  If you’re gonna forget important words, I’m not gonna tell you any.

**WAITRESS**

Mm-hmmmm.

[End scene.]


	9. Chapter 9

[ **CHARLIE** and **CRICKET** are in **CHARLIE** ’s apartment.]

**CRICKET**

[He picks up a sheet of paper on top of the TV.]  Hey, it’s a note from Frank!

**CHARLIE**

Oh, I was waiting for Frank to come back to read that to me.

**CRICKET**

_“Dear Charlie, I feel that my time on this earth is nearing its end and that soon enough I will shuffle off this shit sack I call a body. Now you may not find me for a couple days.  I’ve left several clues for you including this letter and my phone outside Paddy’s, so maybe if you can’t get someone to read this for you, you’ll think I’ve gone missing and go to the police.  I'm counting on you finding me before the garbage guys do, but maybe I shouldn’t have that much faith in ya._

_Anyways. You shall be the sole inheritor of my estate, if, and only if, you complete the list of demands that follow.  Inform all of my business partners and contacts that I have passed on.  These include Jack “Two Eyes” Johnson,…”_ Blah, blah, blah, alright, _“Finally, you must blow up Paddy’s with my dumpster coffin inside. You may not share a single dime of my money with anyone, especially those no-good, mooching yahoos you call friends._

 _Preserve my legacy, Charlie._  
Love,  Frank  
 P.S.  If by some nightmare you have children, you must name them Frank.”

**CHARLIE**

What does he mean, do I have to name all of them Frank?  Or just the first one?

**CRICKET**

It just says, “ _You must name them Frank.”_ I don’t know, that’s not my problem.  [Looks at **CHARLIE** holding a wallet.]

**CRICKET**

Hey, good, you found it.  Come on, cough up the cash.

**CHARLIE**

You heard the man.  I cannot share my inheritance with anyone.

**CRICKET**

Jesus Christ, Charlie, we had a deal. Throw me a bone here.

**CHARLIE**

[Thinking] I can’t give you any money….

**CRICKET**

Come on—

**CHARLIE**

But! I can let you take anything you want from this apartment.

**CRICKET**

Hm, anything?

**CHARLIE**

Anything, dude.

**CRICKET**

Even some new clothes?

**CHARLIE**

Well, nothing in this apartment is “new” per say, but yeah, go ahead, I don’t see any problems with that.

**CRICKET**

Sweet! How much of this stuff can I take?

**CHARLIE**

I’ll cut you a deal.  If you help me finish Frank’s list of demands, I’ll let you live here.

**CRICKET**

Wow! Man, that’s—you’re not dicking me around here are you?

**CHARLIE**

Nope.

**CRICKET**

I mean, no take backs right?  This is the real deal.

**CHARLIE**

The real deal.

**CRICKET**

Let’s shake on it then.

**CHARLIE**

[He’s wary of anything binding but then shakes **CRICKET** ’s hand.] Deal.

**CRICKET**

Deal. [Grinning.] What are we waiting for?  Let’s boogie!

**CHARLIE**

I don't know.  It's getting a little late, man.  And there's a lot of names on that list.

**CRICKET**

What, it's like 6 o'clock.

**CHARLIE**

Yeah, but they're all probably having dinner right now.  We don't want to ruin their night with news like this.  Let's wait until tomorrow.

**CRICKET**

Alright, that's fine. Whatever.  It's your thing; we do it how you want it.  Oh, hey, can I sleep here tonight?

**CHARLIE**

Sure, but you stay on the ground, okay?  

**CRICKET**

No problem, no problem, that's to be expected.

\--

[Cut to **DENNIS** and **SCHMITTY** in **DEE** ’s apartment with **DENNIS** ’s bags.]

**DENNIS**

That should be all my bags.

**SCHMITTY**

I really can’t imagine living out of a suitcase in the corner of your sister’s apartment for a whole _year_ dude.

**DENNIS**

Yeah, I don’t know how I did it without completely going off the deep end, honestly. [dark chuckling]  So are we all set to go?

**SCHMITTY**

Not just yet. I was thinking we should get everything out on the table before we start living together.  [He sits down on the couch.  **DENNIS** follows.]

**DENNIS**

Makes sense.

**SCHMITTY**

If there’s anything I need to know about you, or you need to know about me, now’s the time to say it.

**DENNIS**

Uh, alright, is there anything I need to know about you?

**SCHMITTY**

[Light hearted but serious.] Glad you asked!  I’ve been taking medication for ADHD for about a decade now, but sometimes I _do_ forget to take it. Just warning ya before we jump into this whole thing.

**DENNIS**

No, no, no thanks for telling me.  That reminds me, I take something for borderline personality disorder.

**SCHMITTY**

Borderline…personality…now what does that mean?

**DENNIS**

[trying to maintain the light-hearted mood] Oh, I feel too much or nothing at all. I have identity issues. Uhhhhh, hm, [light laughter] it’s, it’s, ah, I’m dealing with it. I’m dealing with, don’t worry.

**SCHMITTY**

Oh, I’m not worried, man.  Thanks for being honest.

**DENNIS**

No problem, man.

**SCHMITTY**

There is one more thing.  I haven’t actually told anyone this yet, but I’m a bisexual.

**DENNIS**

Really? When did that happen?

**SCHMITTY**

Just in the past couple years I’ve been trying to live life to the fullest, and there was something that was holding me back, not letting me thrive. And I think hiding that part of me was keeping me back.

**DENNIS**

Oh.

**SCHMITTY**

Is that okay?

**DENNIS**

Yeah! Yeah, it’s just…I’m [gesturing]…one…of those…too.

**SCHMITTY**

One of what? Bisexual?

**DENNIS**

Yeah, man.

**SCHMITTY**

Hey! Thanks for telling me.

**DENNIS**

You’re the, uh, first one I’ve said this to, so if you wouldn’t tell…

**SCHMITTY**

Oh, yeah, no problem, my lips are sealed, bro.

**DENNIS**

Thanks, Schmitty.

**SCHMITTY**

That’s all I have to say here, so is there anything more…[ **DENNIS** shakes his head.]…that you’d like to…No?  Alright!  Let’s pack this stuff in your car and head over to Fort Schmidt! Yeehaw!

[ **SCHMITTY** pats **DENNIS** on the back, and **DENNIS** continues to sit on the couch with a life-shattered look in his eyes.]

[End.]

[Credits.]


End file.
